The only update I can muster

Change is as good as a holiday and I need a holiday.

So I just got a job at Karen Walker. This is news.

Me being me I instantly started getting stressed that I was making the worst possible decisions for my career ever but wasn't this what I wanted. I actively participated in the pursuit of that job and yet I feel sick to my stomach that I am making the wrong decision. Holy shit there's only one thing worse than total apathy and that's the eternal questionning of one's decisions.

I've giving myself a slap about the face anyway, if I turned down an opportunity to work for Karen Walker I'd go crazy with "what if's". Sigh, it's true. Bitches be crazy! So as of October 29th, I am the merchandising assistant to MS KW. What up.

Birthdays, Besties and uh, beer.

What wonderful friends I have. I have already talked about their brilliance but here is the proof:

There was more people than this, I promise.

I have to laugh about my last post too because there is chance that I might be heading to AKL next week for an interview with KW at her head office. At this stage I don't know what they have in mind but they seem to have some cogs and wheels spinning and apparently I have the right credentials. Fuck yes. I have no idea how PGG Wrightsons translates into Karen Walker but someone must be watching over me!

I must say that it was great timing too as they contacted me as I was heading back to work after what can only be described as a gut-wrenching conversation with Kristian about him moving back to Wellington in two weeks. Once again, I am documenting these daily things as I feel like there is a change in the air and I am hoping it's not just the spring daffodils or the stench of the Tegel chicken factory down the road getting to me...

Kay Dub, NYFW 2012

Another year for Ms KW at NYFW. Can I say it? Predictable. I am a fan of her prints but she's lucky because she does athe same youthful prints (well, there or thereabouts) every year. Someone mentioned metallics would be making a come back too, I guess they were right.

 Poor models can't see either. At least the colab with Beau Coops worked in their favour. Flats! Gooooooood!

ADORE these wee dotted sweaters but I would because I am fucking cute.

I tried on these clown pants last season. They wouldn't even work for Bozo. They definitely weren't working on my hips. Why would you buy something that made you look like you'd eaten even MORE cake when I am so desperately trying to hide that gave in to the temptation in the first place?!!!

Intersection

Last night Saki, Alissa and Belz put on a beautiful mexican dinner for my upcoming quarter century milestone. What amazing people I have in my life and how blessed I am. The conversation took a bit of a turn into Serious St (somewhere in between screaming away to Britney and Christina classics!) that made me reflect how much has truly changed in the past decade.

Being back in Christchurch I often feel itchy for drastic change. A part of me is ashamed to be back here because I feel that it's a step back but I guess it's only geographically true, getting on the right career path (no matter how much I hate it) isn't something I should crucify myself over. All very easy to type on one pensive Sunday morning but I need to let it lie and be calm inside of me for now as nothing's about to change today or tomorrow and THAT'S OKAY. When I think about all the painful things gone down in the past ten years, it's proof that life certainly will move forward and I WILL see and do some of things I want to. So be calm Hannah, you psycho!

Something that has become quite apparent however is that some people are simply vexations to your spirit and if your friendship/relationship does not fill your soul with warmth and you do not gain strength from one another then there is no excuse for it continuing; even the length of that friendship is not reason enough if you have made an effort to amend whatever that keeps breaking it. Just as I have grown, they have too, and sometimes the negatives in their personality do not mix with the negatives in yours.

"Qui se resemble s'assemble"- You are who you surround yourself with. From today I will try to make that change.

xx

P.S. For purposes of keeping this a timeline, Kristian just got back from spending a week in Wellington auditioning for musical therapy and for two interviews which all appear to be likely options for him. I keep changing my mind on how I feel about this but it certainly has created a knot somewhere in the depths of stomach. When Paul heard about it this he offered some fatherly advice: "some things are bigger, stronger and more important that your career". Monu-fucking-mental. Guess this proves how much people can change in a short period of time!

Like it was written for me.

Because I always feel like running
Not away, because there is no such place

Because, if there was I would have found it by now

Because it's easier to run,

Easier than staying and finding out you're the only one...who didn't run

Because running will be the way your life and mine will be described

As in "the long run" Or as in having given someone a "run for his money"

Or as in "running out of time"

Because running makes me look like everyone else, though I hope there will ever be cause for that

Because I will be running in the other direction, not running for cover

Because if I knew where cover was, I would stay there and never have to run for it

Not running for my life, because I have to be running for something of more value to be running and not in fear

Because the thing I fear cannot be escaped, eluded, avoided, hidden from, protected from, gotten away from,

Not without showing the fear as I see it now

Because closer, clearer, no sir, nearer

Because of you and because of that nice

That you quietly, quickly be causing And because you're going to see me run soon and because you're going to know why I'm running then

You'll know then

Because I'm not going to tell you now

-Gil Heron-Scott

Beautiful.

Hear, hear.

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."

-Buddha.

Uggggghhhhh Monday morning swings again BUT I have the most wonderful day yesterday in the sunshine at home and even managed a couple of hours in the vege garden and cleaned my car. Started talking openly with Pa pa about about moving to Melbourne or London and he's being incredibly supportive. It appears that the cobwebs around my brain are starting to unravel... lets hope it's not just because the sun is shining as I can see some ominous looking clouds heading my way out my window.

Update.

Gritting my teeth and coming up with ways to add to my very weak savings account to get the hell out of here. Officially joining the world of weekend work if I can. How depressing.

I just received an email from a "friend"- sometimes I wish I had a journal instead-  telling me all about how I was doing this job thing all wrong and how I am not owed anything. Keep your opinions on "the problem about our generation" to yourself... you think I am asking for a directors chair? I'm still stumped as to how I even got a job here at all!

I am trying to:

haha.

Update: a pay increase I may not be entitled to, yes, but when you're being offered 2.5% increase on a salary that has me living from pay-to-pay then it's only a little less exciting than a kick in the ribs. Even Paul is behind my evolution of employment and that's saying something!

Good. So now that's documented. Onwards and upwards.




So now I am the house of...


OLYMPICS ARE KILLING MY SLEEPING PATTERNS AND ADDING A LITTLE RAZZLE-DAZZLE TO MY LIFE. Amazing stuff but I really got to get some more zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's.

What's a blog without a little "It" girl.

Lord knows I wouldn't want to be standing behind her in my togs.



I don't care who you are but those shorts are not okay. Hannah emblazoned fat pants anyone?



Marital Mess

It's weird. It seems like everyone I know is thinking about talking about getting married/thinking about getting married/putting a ring on it/organising their wedding/HAVING a bloody wedding. Meanwhile, my dad's friends are all getting divorced.

I have my first post-divorce meeting today with the twins' lawyer before it most likely heads to court. I don't usually like to write such personal things on here but I consider today to be somewhat monumental given that it's taken over 9 years for this day to come.

This has inevitably led me to have hugely contrasting towards relationships, monogamy and marriage. I think I have to the natural conclusion that marriage isn't something I will prioritise over great friendships, great food and lifestyle and great experiences. Not to say that you can't have this as well as a wedding but it's yet to make it onto my "to do" list. In saying that, all this talk about Kristian heading to Perth is making me crazy and I am even starting to annoy myself...

...another thing that will perhaps be funny to look back on in the future!

Another thing for this time capsule I appear to have created: one week of being a vegan has come and gone my friend. Why then, do I feel like shit? Aren't I supposed to be turning into a plant?

Rapper's just rap about bitches, killin' and coke.

Lupe is D.O.P.E.

First off say peace to Pine Ridge

Shame at all the damage the white man wine did

Ghost dance, Trail of Tears, 5 million beers a year

And all that other crime did

More peace to the teachers of blind kids

To rebels in small cells keeping their mind big

Say everything’s hostile

Suicide bombers and prosperity gospels, emaciated models

With cocaine and blood pouring out their nostrils, they got to

Just to stay awake on the catwalk of life where everybody watch you

Straight hair, high heels and a handbag

Crucifixes, racism and a land grab

Katrina, FEMA trailers, human body sandbags

A peace sign and a pants sag

A money toss cause a 9 stripper mad dash

A friend request following a hash tag

Now everybody want it like the last laugh

A Michael Jackson jacket or a daft mask

Purple Jordans or the mixed girl in your math class

Stable is when the Ba’ath had Baghdad

But corporate jets really had to have that gas bad

War and they hope they all fall from the ratatat

Cause that’s just more dinosaur for the Cadillac


Live from the other side what you see

A bunch of nonsense on my TV

Heaven on Earth is what I need

But I feel I’m in hell every time I breathe

Reporting live from the other side what you hear

A bunch of nonsense all in my ear

Rich man, poor man, we all gotta pay

Cause freedom ain’t free, especially ’round my way



And we marvel at the state of Ottoman

Then turn around and treat Ghana like a garbage can

America’s a big motherfuckin’ garbageman

If you ain’t know, you’re part and parcel of the problem

You say no you ain’t, and I say yes you is

Soon as you find out what planned obsolescence is

You say no they didn’t, and I say yes they did

The definition of unnecessary-ness

Manifested

Say that we should protest just to get arrested

That goes against all my hustling ethics

A bunch of jail niggas say its highly ineffective

Depart from Martin, connect on Malcolm X tip

Insert Baldwin to similar the separate

To me, the truth is more fulfilling than a meth hit

Or finding really fast internet to have some sex with

It’s all one song short of a set list

Couple croissants shy of a continental breakfast

Or blowing out your birthday candles just to make a death wish

So absurd word to Chief Bone Necklace

Down at the Lakota Sioux Casino

A whole culture boiled down to giving you paquino

I go as left as a heart in the chest

Cause the Horn of Africa is now starving to death







An all white Los Angeles, the dream of Mr. Chandler

Hope and pray they take Columbus day up off the calendar

South Central an example of God’s gifts

So shout to all the mothers raising babies in spa 6

The projects of Oakland city, Detroit ghost towns

Monopolies on poverty where D-boy coke bound

It’s parts of Manilla like the video for Thriller

But the US Embassy is reminiscent of a villa

If poverty is chocolate and privilege vanilla

Then what’s the flavor of the Sunday preacher’s pedophilia

Cash rules everything around these niggas

As classrooms everywhere around me wither

Hither you can be Mr. Burns or Mr. Smithers

The tyrant or the slave but nowhere in the middle

Of the extremes of America’s dream

Freud fighting Neo, Freddy Krueger refereeing, naaa…


hollaaaaaaaaa

Ahhhhh nom nom nom, what a delcious legume and lettuce life I lead.

Well this is song is suprisingly great. I was introduced to it by  http://mollycorinne.wordpress.com/ who I have followed for quite some time. I always really enjoyed her posts because she seems like the type of person who could be your friend plus she seems as obsessed with food as I am.We have a lot in common too- right down to a "Kristian" being our roomate! What caught me off guard was that she's now decided after many years as a vege that due to sicknesses and stress fractures she will begin eating meat again- albeit humane/organic meat- and for some reason I feel a little let down. How weird is that? Pissed by someone I have never met. I sense myself going down some sort of metaphorical extremist gurgler:  I can't seem to help getting more and more passionate about it subject matter!

This brings me to my next point... I have been vegan for one week exactly. It's friggin hard. The last two years (almost) of being vege was truly easy once I had a month of adjustment but veganism, well, %cC&!!

It's the little things such as grabbing food on the go or office morning teas which are proving to be testing. I wish I could put my head back in the sand. I have been getting really rundown lately and I can't help but feel like it's nothing a steak wouldn't fix.

What a seesaw of an explanation.

My light at the end of my tunnel.

So I'm living in Sumner and don't see myself leaving just yet. Now just to convince the boy and the proprietor to allow me to stay there until I leave.

 

Still a sucker.

I'm still a sucker for this song since a friend introduced me to this in my first year at university (if you could call it that). Seems like a lifetime ago now. 6 years.

I haven't seen CJ since he left without saying goodbye after a somewhat interesting year as close friends but, strangely, we have somewhat popped back into each others' lives since I have had this burning desire to travel the States. I feel so at peace with my decision to bugger off and give the US a decent go, I just wish that I could save quicker and get out of here. Last night, as I lay in Sumner by myself, we had another shake which wasn't a big one at all but it's not doing much help when I am trying to "find my equilibrium".

BRING ON NYC.

The sun will come out... uh, next month.

"> I can't WAIT to see this. How have I not heard about it before? It makes me smile after the most horrible month... and look!... the sun is starting to come out after rain for the last two weeks. Phew. June/July are always the pits aren't they? P.S. No perm! The hairdresser laughed at me and told me that I would have to go to a "surbaban" salon for that. We have no city you twat, what do you think you are?

I dare me to get a perm. OKAY!

Time for a change. I can't dye my hair a funky colour due to work (and I'm pretty sure I've ticked every box there anyway!), I can shave one side off and I don't want to have to cut it completely after two years off growing it. Dilemma. A perm it is! An up to date naughties version that I will no doubt regret anyway. Bring it on.

A weird thing happened to me in a bar in Melbourne. Someone got stuck into me about living back in Christchurch and my response was anything but positive.It made me realise how much respect I have for this little broken place and how blessed we have to everything in our backyard. The summer just gone was truly the most carefree and adventure filled season I have had since I considered stubbies and school shoes mandatory daily attire.